October 10, 2011

Iba a decir "Otra vez, una encrucijada." Pero lo apropiado es "Ahora sí, una encrucijada."

Sí, cambié de idioma. Bastó con el inglés, me parece que es demasiado fácil hablar rápido y ser irónico en inglés. Pero, lo que pienso lo pienso más en serio en español.

"Vocé é assim, um sonho pra mim, quero te cher de beijos"

¿Qué pasó?
Pasé seis años empezando, sufriendo, y terminando una carrera que nunca supe bien si quería hacer o no. No me interesó mucho, salvo en contadas ocasiones. Nunca me la tomé realmente en serio. Salvé porque, por suerte, supe hacerlo. Eso no dice nada sobre mis habilidades más a largo plazo, simplemente habla bien de mi "intuición" y mi capacidad de memorizar. Es muy poco lo que recuerdo ahora, y muy poco lo que deseo recordar, o lo que encuentro relevante.

Terminé dos años de un trabajo inutil, triste, en el que me vi a mí misma en mi peor faceta. Desidia es la palabra adecuada para mi manera de afrontarlo. Que las exigencias fuesen bajas no es excusa. Aprendí poco; aunque por supuesto fue mejor eso que la nada. Aprendí un poco sobre las relaciones laborales, y sobre la necesidad de controlarme a mí misma y a tener una actitud profesional. Desgraciadamente, no aprendí mucho sobre cómo incorporar esa actitud.

Me fui de viaje, y fue increíble. También divertido, interesante, hermoso, educativo; una aventura. Viajando así, sí que aprendí. Aprendí a convivir, un poco, y aprendí a quererme un poco más. No mucho, pero un poco. (O a tenerme en más alta estima, o a sentirme más estimada por los demás. Ya no me acuerdo de la discusión con precisión.) Pero también tropecé con muchas, demasiadas, de las mismas piedras de toda la vida. La obsesión por el ranking de popularidad, la desesperación por la opinión ajena, la elaboración cuidadosa de ilusiones y mundos mágicos en donde escapar de las insuficiencias propias, de la cobardía, del creer ser menos.

Y luego volví. Y lo que era un juego, un pasatiempo, una petite obsesión; se transformó en algo un poquito mayor, gracias al aburrimiento y la falta de actividad. Y las "ilusiones" sólo aumentaron, cada vez menos asidas a la realidad. Y tengo que seguir adelante, y olvidarlo. Dejarlo atrás. No es para mí. Es sólo un sueño. Un sueño lindo, tranquilo, reconfortante, estimulante. Un sueño que me hizo un poquito mejor. Pero sólo si lo puedo dejar ir.

De lo que hice desde que llegué, no vale la pena ni hablar. Todavía hay un balde lleno de ropa sucia, probablemente ya medio podrida, esperándome desde hace seis semanas en la pieza del fondo.


Si pienso en todo lo que pasó desde la última vez que escribí, si trato de ejercitar la introspección, pienso en algunas cosas:
Soy muy egoísta. A veces, me asombra mi propio egoísmo. Supongo que todos lo son. Pero yo soy yo y a veces me avergüenzo de mi misma. En particular, me asombro en cómo pienso en los demás, y cómo analizo mis relaciones personales. A veces pienso que en realidad, no siento afecto por nadie, sino que simplemente los necesito en determinado momento. Y luego me convenzo a medias de que no es así, de que sí siento por los demás y que mi afecto es sincero. A medias.

Soy una zángana. Soy incapaz de obligarme a mí misma a trabajar (en cualquier sentido) excepto cuando me parece que la opinión que tienen los demás de mí se va a ver realmente afectada. Y en cualquier caso, me siento incapaz de hacer algo realmente útil. Me parece que no tengo la aptitud necesaria. El cerebro. Soy una triste excusa de potencial empleada.

Y por último, aunque se caiga de maduro, soy una quejosa. Desconforme, hundida en la autocompasión.


¿Ahora qué?

October 01, 2008

I don't want to study. But that's not unusual (it's just that the moon is full, and you happened to caaalll - congrats to s/he who guesses which song I just stole that from).

I wish I had something fun to say, but I don't really. Plus, no one is reading, so where's the point in that? I guess I'll just write for myself.

In that case, hi me! You're looking kind of blue and deeply engaged in self-pity. Liven up a little! Any day now, you're going to wake up and realize that everything you ever wanted and more is NOT about to come true, that you are NOT the belle of the ball, nor will you ever be, and that there is NOT a perfect/sexy/compassionate/smart/adorable/adoring/non-needy/understanding/kinda rich/healthily ambitious/supportive guy who will complete and fulfill you in every way, while allowing you all the freedom you need to not depend on him. NOR will you grow up and be a happy nice über successful career woman with gorgeous, happy, loving, smart kids who will adore you and whom you will have no trouble bringing up with the help of said wonder-man. It just AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

And I'm hoping that realizing that (and I mean ACTUALLY realizing it, not just writing it sarcastically in a foreign language and posting it on the internet in the hopes that someone will think you're just fabulous) will take some of the pressure off. Maybe. Perhaps. Quizás, quizás, quizás...

So, if you're not going to study, then don't. But if you are, well then, do it freaking now! Instead of later, when you're horribly tired and hysterical. It's just you and me now, kid. Or at least it should be. Go on. Open the files. Print. Start reading. Go to francais. Come back. Tell her. Watch tv. Chat if you must. Go to bed. Repeat. Ask m? Too weird. Possibly fun, most probably too weird, perhaps regrettable ex-post. Grow up.

And exercise. You're flabby and tired.

September 25, 2008

Hullo!

Apparently I haven't dropped by since 2006, which is a really long time. Not much has happened since, save that a month ago I broke up with Mr M (as I seem to have named him; going through my old posts was very strange, it brought back a lot of memories). The breakup was mutual at first, but a week later he was ready to try again, and I was not. Many comings and goings later, we are not together because of me (meaning I rejected his entreaties for continuance, to put it archly).
However much I could talk about this subject, I feel like starting over, or at least attempting to. I'm returning to my old addictive habits (mainly on the computer, lots and lots and LOTS of solitaire), and I want to at least do something, create something. So here I am again. Practically everything that is going on in my mind has to do with him, and me, and why everything turned out this way. But I'll try to steer away from the subject, or at the very least approach tangentially, so that in case anyone is reading, they/you are not bored to their/your death.

Other things have begun to develop as well; if I'm not mistaken I started this blog on my second college year, and now I'm slowly approaching the end of the fourth. Midterms and exams have not yet consumed me entirely (and there's only one year to go before I can put studying on a hiatus while exploring the joys (?) of a nine-to-five job), and only a week ago I began teaching, my very first shot at both teaching and working.

I plan on beginning tango lessons in a couple of weeks, and that should be interesting to report (especially due to the 80% probability of embarrasing falls provoked by the 7 cm heels I'll be forced to wear!).

And right now, that's all I can think of. Sounds terribly sad to have spent two years and return with only that to show for it, but I think I'm being melancholic. I'm sure I'll remember the nicer, non-Mr M-related stuff with time.

Meanwhile, I leave you with a very funny if bittersweet tune for me (He sent me the link), and with the promise to return (tonight, for example) with a more upbeat perspective and some sort of talking point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTby_e4-Rhg

December 11, 2006

I just realised, my post before the hiatus was dated October 9. We became a sort-of couple on October 10... Second month anniversary yesterday. No wonder I was so jacked up with "Everybody needs somebody to love".
Sort-of couple that evolved with time. I'm so glad I didn't chicken out. We're so glad, actually.

Oh, and feel free to trash him if you want, because he doesn't know about my web alter-ego =P
What the world needs now
is love sweet love
It's the only thing
that there's just too little of
What the world needs now
is love sweet love
No not just for some
but for everyone


Heheh
It figures, right? I wasn't going to be the one to abandon friends (and you are, after all, friends in a quirky way) for a boy. I intensely disliked people who did that for a long time. It drove me mad (a little envy and a little jealousy -- they're not the same thing but they both apply in this case).
But of course, spring comes around and I quit posting like I'm a non-wired cockroach stranded after an atomic bomb (I'm a quick trip to google away from finding out whether it's true or not that cockroaches can survive in a nuclear scenario, but I'd rather not know. If I do, I'll probably forget and then feel stupid the next time the topic surfaces...)
So. I suppose you'd like to know the gory details. Let's make a list of the miscellanea you've been missing:

1) you should definitely see Al Gore's "An inconvenient truth". If you don't like Gore, it will bother you intensely. If you don't mind him, it'll annoy you just a bit. If you like him, you'll love it. But in any case, you should still see it. One of the (very) few films I think everyone should see, just to be on the same page

2) the boy is nice. Very nice. In Spanish, using the L word (love, people!!) is sort of a big deal. We haven't got that far, but we have a different concept, "querer" (as in "te quiero" = "I love you" but not quite), which is far more heterogenous than love. Love (amor) is only for couples, "te quiero" you say to your mother, your friends, your siblings, even your pet, I suppose

3) just to be original, I'm studying. Yet again. So every second I'm NOT studying, I basically spend with him, which doesn't leave much time for anything else.

4) i'm happier than I remember being in quite a while. Also, I'm smiling a lot. Particularly with him, but in general too. My jaws may fall off soon, but I could get used to this...

5) I think I failed my first midterm ever. Ouch. That hurts. I'll try to keep you posted on how that story unfolds, but I haven't got much hope (scratch that, I have plenty hope, but it's not very rational)

6) i saw some lovely fireworks, but I'll save that story for later

7) Pinochet died? hmm... I could reflect on that, but I'm not really in that mood

8) a football (that is, soccer) coach got mad at a referee (here in Uruguay) and grabbed some lime (the white powder on the field) and threw it in the referee's eyes, blinding him. How about that?! I couldn't believe it... we aren't a savage society, you know. Hard to believe though, I suppose

9) I missed posting, actually, I just hadn't realised. I'll try to be back more often, I know you miss me =P

10) the boy is so nice and kind and smart and handsome and funny and he loves me so much and I love him so much... somebody should come and hit me soon


Happy Kwanzaa!

October 09, 2006

We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight, and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois law enforcement community who have chosen to join us in the Palace Hotel ballroom at this time. we do sincerely hope you'll all enjoy the show, and please remember people, that no matter who you are, and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same. You, me, them, everybody, everybody...

Everybody needs somebody
Everybody needs somebody to love (someone to love)
Sweetheart to miss (sweetheart to miss)
Sugar to kiss (sugar to kiss)
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you in the morning
I need you you you when my souls on fire

Sometimes I feel
I feel a little sad inside
When my baby mistreats me
I never never never have a place to hide
I need you

Sometimes I feel
I feel a little sad inside
When my baby mistreats me
I never never never have a place to hide
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you

You know people when you do find that somebody
Hold that woman, hold that man
Love him, hold him, squeeze her, please her, hold her
Squeeze and please that person, give em all your love
Signify your feelings with every gentle caress
Because its so important to have that special somebody
To hold, kiss, miss, squeeze and please

Everybody needs somebody
Everybody needs somebody to love
Someone to love
Sweetheart to miss
Sugar to kiss
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you...


Blues Brothers rock!

Having said that, good morning!
It's a lovely day in my corner of the globe, the sun glows and winks in a friendly manner through the curtains and I simply can NOT bring myself to study for my next test.
And I can't really worry about it either, because I just don't care (that much, right now).

Can't really concentrate enough to write this either.
Yesterday (Sunday), I went for a walk with my mom. We went to a golf club that sits right in the middle of a residential neighbourhood, with a spectacular view of the river/sea (look it up in an atlas/googlemaps to see what I mean). The owners of the club have a shady deal with the city council, and in exchange for not paying the property taxes for the place (which would be ASTRONOMICAL, as in REALLY BIG), they open it for the public on Sundays (theoretically, in fact they have tournaments on many sundays, and use that as an excuse to keep it closed).

It's a beautiful park, nonetheless, and no matter how much I dislike the administration for keeping it closed, I have to admit that they keep it spotlessly clean, and that those trees are a huge gulp of fresh air for the city.
Take a look: http://www.google.com/maps?hl=en&q=&ie=UTF8&z=15&ll=-34.924223,-56.166229&spn=0.016362,0.028925&t=k&om=1
http://www.cgu.com.uy/

It was a beautiful afternoon, just warm enough to make the shade a lovely luxury. We walked around barefoot in the plush grass (which is a sensory high for me), and just breathed really deep and listened to the birds. Not many people go there (lucky for us, bad for them), so you can reaaally stretch out.

I want to go sunbathe!!!

... I should study

=(

October 01, 2006

Hullo folks!

I'm Jude and this is your weekly update on the goings on in and around my life. Weather's just fine, cars speed by, birds chirp, clouds are a soothing lilac hue, and here are our top stories:

  • firstly, one that didn't make it to last week's broadcast: A Night at the Opera! La Traviata, specifically. Lovely, lovely evening. The tenor was not really appropriate for the part of the young man in love (short, fat and old), but the soprano shone. And the theatre itself is gorgeous, here's a link: http://www.teatrosolis.org.uy/visitavirtual/visita.asp?p=1&s=0&i=esp
  • no, you can't find out a person's address through their msn. Which, I suspect, is a verry good thing. I know where he lives because I've been dropping him off there for the past few weeks. We get there, I turn off the engine subreptitiously, and we spend an average of 20 minutes chatting and joking and laughing. *sigh*
  • no, nothing has happened yet. I'll let you know when it does
  • yesterday I went out to dinner with my parents to a mexican restaurant. It was practically empty (we're early birds, totally uncool), and we took some time picking a table. When we sat down, I felt --how shall I put it?-- a certain coolness in my southern regions. Surprised at this unexpected drop in the temperature, I quietly shifted in my chair and took a peek. Don't ask me how, but where a perfectly good jean had snugly fit before, now a gaping hole winked at me (and presumably at every passersby who cared to observe it). It was quite generous in its width (I'd say around 10+ cm). My dad's comment was: "So THAT'S why those guys were staring at you like their eyes were about to fall out"
  • aside from that unusual incident, the food was amazing (the nachos kept coming, the guacamole was spicy and smooth, and the huevos ranchera were super tasty), and we had coronas (great beer), and "shared" a margarita -- basically I drank most of it, and it was yummy. Anyway. Good times =P
  • I'm sure other fun things happened this week, but I'm really rather monotematic these days(if that is a word, it is in spanish, but I'm not sure the transition to english is quite so simple). I feel a bit like a blithering idiot, because a LOT of things remind me of Mr M. He's ubiquitious. I'm driving and Air Supply's "Making love out of nothing at all" is on the radio, and suddenly I'm obsessed with the song. Urgh.
  • hmmm
  • check this out (though maybe I got it from one of you, but still): http://www.lloydianaspects.co.uk/evolve/evolmenu.html
  • maannnn *exasperated sigh* why won't he come online???
  • oh well...
  • listening to roxette "How do you do?!". yey!!
  • that's all folks!